How good is your chess set?
The chess world was shocked recently by the pictures of ex-world champion Garry Kasparov being struck over the head with a wooden chess board by an irate Russian chess fan.“It’s just as well Russia’s national game isn’t baseball”, quipped the indomitable retired superstar. But when it comes to assaulting your political opponents, just how effective is your chess set?Here at Kingpin, we decided to find out.With the help of Freddie “The Undertaker” Fraser, the legendary enforcer for 60s gangster twins, Doug and Dinsdale Piranha, we tested five chess sets from those available on the market. Below we present Freddie’s conclusions:-
1. Hook-a-Book chess set, $3.95 from the Chess & Bridge Centre
Freddie comments:This one is light and small, so very easy to hide about the person.As such, it’s just the thing for when you have to get up close to the victim, without being spotted.Unfortunately, that’s where the good news ends. The feeble cardboard covering and inadequate weight means that the chess set suffers more damage than the victim’s nut. Definitely for lightweights only!
Freddie’s evaluation : 2/10
2. Wooden magnetic set, $22.95 from the BCM Shop
Freddie comments:Halfway between a travel and a full-size set, this handy little effort folds down to a box of just 125mm, small enough to conceal in a large pocket inside one’s overcoat.With the extra weight of the wood, augmented by the pieces inside the box (the king is a generous 50 mm tall), this packs a very useful punch, and was always a favourite of my old mate, Charlie “The Kneecap” Chisholm.Just the job for a mild concussion, but too small for anything else.
Freddie’s evaluation: 5/10
3. Roll-up vinyl board and plastic pieces, $8.95 from the Chess Café
Freddie’s comments:Apparently the most popular choice amongst club players everywhere, but I don’t understand why.OK, easy for concealment purposes, but no weight in the board itself, and nowhere to keep the pieces.I even tried rolling it up like a sock with the pieces inside, but still no good – my old woman can hit harder!
Freddie’s evaluation : 3/10
4. Ultimate Staunton Set + Imperial Board, BCM Shop, $695
Freddie comments:Perhaps not the Rolls Royce, but certainly the top-of-the-range Merc.This cracker includes 100mm Kings, the most heavily-weighted pieces in the range, with chamfered bases.The board is a lovely lump of moulded nut and maple, heavy enough to knock sense into anyone, even a little scrote like that Jack “The Hat” McVitie.As a nice added extra, this set comes with a mahogany, felt-lined chest, which is ideal for holding in your left hand and whacking the sod in the bollocks as well.
Freddie’s evaluation : 8/10
5. The Giant Patio chess set, Homebase, $1,595
Freddie comments:Now this is definitely the one for me, the pro’s choice.Solid concrete board, 24 feet square and two feet thick, with pieces made of granite.Kings a healthy two foot six tall.Not easy to hide about your person, granted, but absolutely perfect for the old quiet approach from behind with a forklift, and “Wallop!”, Bob’s your uncle – your late uncle!
Freddie’s evaluation : 10/10
(That’s enough East End thugs masquerading as lovable old rogues – Ed)