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Torquay

Some facts about Torquay for those playing in the British Championships:

* Peter Cook was born there - he never returned, for some reason
* 'Fawlty Towers' was based on Torquay
* Torquay has no chess club

For more on Torquay, including the best places to hang around waiting till you're old enough to get in the pubs, visit the knowhere guide.

Archive
ChessBeast back issues:
June 2002
July 2002

Issue 3 - Aug '02

in association with www.pawnpusher.co.uk

"THEMATIC ?"

This month I want to talk about novelty chess sets. Specifically the ones where the pieces are based on some theme, usually a tv show or film (Lord of the Rings, Star Wars etc)

Now, my mother owns a Betty Boop telephone and an egg pot shaped like a chicken, but at least these are functional. If you've ever tried to actually play chess with a novelty set you'll understand. Who wants to spend most of their game trying to remember if Counsellor Troi is a knight or a bishop?

I once played a game of draughts (checkers) using breakfast cereal, on a boring camping holiday, but at least there you only have 2 different piece types, and we could eat the captured bits.

Basically, these themed chess sets turn out to be big useless ornaments.

So, who buys them?

I can't believe anyone buys these for themselves. When you see one in someone's house you just know that a well-meaning but deluded auntie has thought...

"Well, he likes chess and he likes Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

"I know! A Buffy chess set, perfect!"

Myself, I like cheese and existentialist literature, but if someone gave me a copy of Jean Paul Sartre's 'Nausea' hand carved from mature cheddar, well, I would probably be a bit frightened.

The only benefit of these sets I can see is that it is impossible to take the game seriously when you play using one.

"Kramnik shifts uneasily in his chair, the pressure of the moment written on his face. The opportunity is definitely there, and if he can find the right plan he has every chance of taking the full point, securing the world championship and with it his place in chess history.
"He reaches out a tentative hand, hovering over the board as he makes a last check of the position. Then quickly he plays. And, yes, the experts in the press room agree, that's the one! Lisa Simpson takes Krusty The Clown, check.
"Kasparov desperately surveys the situation, in deep time trouble. A moments indecision and the flag on his Bart clock falls with a loud 'Aye Caramba! Game over maaannnn!'"

Hmm, maybe that could be fun.
Ok, in the spirit of things, here are a couple of themed (and educational) set ideas from the Chessbeast workshops...

TREES OF THE UK

- with free compass and miniature chainsaw

SIMPLE MOLECULES

- includes atomic clock

Also available:

Celebrity Chefs
English Churches
Snowflakes - A fiendishly challenging set for the real hard-core enthusiast. Each piece is different but somehow looks the same, and both sides play white.
Sands of the World
Party Snacks - edible set, with 3 dips

The last word on novelty sets has to go to an episode of the BBC's 'Bottom' called "culture". In it the two filthy and randomly violent flatmates (the main characters) decide to have a bit of culture and play a game of chess, mainly because their TV got repossessed. Unfortunately, most of the antique pieces are missing (sold by 'Eddie' for beer money). Click here to join the action.

Send your novelty chess set ideas to pawnpusher@btinternet.com and i'll print the best ones here.

The Foreigner's Guide to the British Championship by IM Gary Lane

Torquay is to host the British Chess Championships in 2002 and the town has organised a cultural festival to attract foreign visitors. This straightforward guide is designed to help our Commonwealth friends who come over each year to win numerous prizes and titles get the most from their trip.

Chess in Britain is not only a battle of brain but also of brawn. Before each game your opponent will offer his hand to test your strength, so remember to crush it as hard as possible.

It is traditional to bargain with Torquay taxi drivers over the fare. On no account pay what is indicated on the meter, as this will be sure to cause offence.

British people love to hear constructive feedback after the game and are always keen to be shown their mistakes, however minor, in detail. They love attacking play, so make a point of demonstrating every line you thought of during play and make it easier for them to accept defeat by laughing loudly at the blunder that cost them the piece. They'll thank you for it.

Tourists parking their cars will be pleased to know that 'Bureaux de Change' offices are installed in all wooden huts adjacent to the exit, where you can change your home currency for British pounds but certainly not Euros. Feel free to haggle to get the best exchange rate.

Don't forget to try out the famous echo in the playing hall at the English Riviera Leisure Centre. Wait for a quiet moment in the afternoon to really test it.

Torquay has old, traditional pubs and lively nightlife. However, if you think you have had a drink too many then before you drive home at the end of the night it is normal to test your alcohol level with a special breathalyser machine called Karoake.

During the game if you are having problems in the opening, don't despair. The London Chess Centre provides a handy library and they will also be pleased to offer you a free pen to record your game.

Visitors to the English Riviera will notice a unique road service provided to assist tourists: special sightseer lanes on the sea front and elsewhere, marked B-U-S, which stands for Banned Unless Sightseeing.

If you have to adjourn a game in one of the morning tournaments remember that official BCF rules state that each player should keep a record of the position with a Polaroid camera.

Don't worry about getting to the station early for day trips - British trains always run on time.

After the game if you need some peace and solitude there is a special for room where nobody goes called 'commentary'.

Small silver scooters are seen everywhere throughout the town and are provided free by the local transport department. Just approach someone riding one and ask him or her firmly to give up the scooter. They may protest, but don't be put off. You may need to physically wrest the scooter from the other rider.

It is normal for an opponent to offer to buy you a coffee or tea during the game. Make sure you save him having to leave the board again by also ordering a plate of sandwiches.

Most British families leave all their clothes at the front door (a bit like the Japanese do with their shoes). If you are invited to a Brit's home, disrobe as soon as you enter the front door.

Sunday is the official rest day so avoid any tension and excitement - watch the BCF cricket team.

When visiting the Princess theatre - rows A to H are best for mobile phone reception and for flash photography.

If anyone offers you a game of 'suicide chess', take it literally and run for your life.

How To Be A Bad Winner/Loser - Update

Melvin Hughes writes...
" I was playing such a person in a section (which I won!) in the Paignton Congress some years ago, and during the course of the game my position became so grim that I considered my resignation imminent. But more in desperation than hope I managed to set a complicated trap. Eureka my opponent fell right into it!
Unfortunately he then became completely unglued! Giving a cry of anguish that was heard throughout the playing area, he promptly swept most of the pieces off the board. With rooks and knights miraculously reappearing on the adjoining board! One of these two players, with the savoir-faire of a James Bond, remarked, 'Ah back to the middle game are we? Then I may have a chance of saving this game after all!'"