St Caissa's Parish News

Incumbent: Rev K. Ill-Lunatic, MA, CBE, YAK, IMAM, Light of the Orient… (cont. p94)

Dear All

Well, it's that time of year again, when we put the self-denial of Lent behind us, and look forward to the long summer days of sunshine in the garden of the vicarage here in Elista. And how wonderful it is to see the flowers in bloom and the sun streaming in over the steppes! In fact, it is almost enough to make one forget the ingratitude and disrespect shown by some parishioners - almost, but not quite! For as it says in the Good Book, 'Forget not those who do evil unto thou, for they shall inherit the wind, and the heads of their yaks shall appear amongst their bed-clothes' (Book of Corleone, 17.6).

I have been especially disappointed by the reaction of young master Pono, our Sexton, to the news that the parish conkers championship final against Mr Kaspar has had to be postponed until later this year. I realize that children of young Pono's age tend to be spoiled nowadays by having had too much pocket money when young, but I really had hoped that he would have borne this minor disappointment with a little more fortitude (from the Latin, fortis, meaning 'to pipe down', and 'tudus', 'little squirt'). After all, what is a delay of a few months to someone of his tender years? I can only suggest to young master Pono that he bear in mind the sufferings endured by the parishioners of other, less fortunate denominations. Take, for example, our sister church, the Worldwide Church of Einstein, which has been forced to postpone its Conkers Championship indefinitely, owing to a severe shortage of communion silver in the parish collection plate.

As the Good Lord himself said, when addressing the people of Galillee, 'Put not thy trust in physicists, for they that would turn base metal into gold shall find their coffers emptied, and their shekels turned to dust'. (Book of Paupers, 15:4)

Kirsan

Parish Sports Day

Many parishioners have asked about the precise date and venue for the annual parish 'It's a Knockout' Sports Day. Needless to say, this event will definitely take place, but the precise details have yet to be agreed with the Diocesan Office. However, our Churchwarden Mr Azmai, from the 'Shashliks R Us' restaurant in the High Street, assures me that plans are underway for a special qualifying event, where for a mere 2,000 pounds entry fee, parishioners will have the chance to win one of no less than 30 qualifying places for the annual Sports Day (whenever it takes place). I hope this joyful news will placate my friend from the checkout at Tesco's, who never tires of complaining that the Vicar doesn't keep people informed of his plans!

New Sunday Services timings

In order to improve the popularity of Sunday Services, the Vicar has decided that all future sermons within the parish of St Caissa's will be limited to a maximum time of one hour, plus a thirty-second increment per word spoken. However, in recognition of the fact that many parishioners may have concerns that this will reduce the overall quality of sermons, and bearing in mind the long tradition of tolerance within the parish, it has been decided that any preachers exceeding this time-limit will only be excommunicated, rather than facing the traditional punishment for heresy of being burned at the stake.

To remember in our prayers

Mr Glek, from the Working Men's Club, who has sadly been suffering from extreme stress recently, resulting in his ludicrous and unfounded accusations that the parish has been taking advantage of his members, by over-charging them for hotel accommodation during our recent 'Bring and Buy sale'. We hope that he recovers soon and realizes the unfairness of his allegations, thereby saving us from the unpleasant chore of having to 'take him for a ride' in the Vicar's Black Maria.

Parish Postbag

Dear Vicar

I hereby claim copyright over any reference to me, my having existed, breathed, broken wind, …. (cont. p94)

Grandmaster E Lunatic
Russia

(The Editor reserves the right to cut out all boring letters from whingeing ex-Soviet GMs, who think that just because they win the odd game of chess, that automatically entitles them to a subsistence wage).