St Caissa’s Parish News – Winter 2005 edition

Incumbent:  Rev K Ill-Lunatic, MA, DD, YAK, IMAM, Light of the Orient, (cont. p94)

Hullo!

I am writing this message to you from the vicarage here in Elista, just as we celebrate the start of Lent.  As you all know, this is the time of year when we Christians give something up for the next 40 days. Most of us give up sweets or chocolate, or some similarly mundane pleasure. Our young chess expert, Vlady Drawnik, for example, tells me that he is giving up playing for a win.  But, hey, I ask you, is this really enough to reflect the spirit of Lent?  After all, when our Lord went into the wilderness for 40 days and nights, he didn’t just give up a minor luxury, did he?  So, accordingly, I have decided to do something special this year, and give up something really fundamental.  I am giving up funding the annual parish Sports Day, and instead, the Parish Council will have to seek a commercial sponsor!  Of course, I realise that this may mean the end of our annual Sports Day tradition, but as it says in the Good Book, “Let he that is without shekels scatter his seed upon the ground. And if it falleth upon stony ground, the Lord shall hath spoken, and there shall be no more smiting across the chequered boards” (Book of Cancellations, 19.6).

Of course, some “moaning minnies” will object that this means breaking some of my previous promises, especially the agreement I signed at the inter-denominational

conference at Prague in 2001.  But, hey, what was it St Paul said?  “The Lord payeth not his debts with money” (St Paul’s Letter to the Creditors, 22.5).  That sounds like the sort of example we should all seek to “emulate” (from the Greek, emu, flat, and late, broke)! 

Kirsan

A message from the Reverend Gazza, of the Church of the Latter-Day Privileged

As you know, at midnight last night, the latest deadline passed for the Vicar to announce the financial guarantees for my conkers challenge match against Mr Kutiznutsoff, from the Church of the Born Again Tourists. Once again, as on no less than four occasions over the past 2 years, I have put aside three months of my life to prepare for the match, soaking conkers in vinegar, baking them in the oven, and all the other secret training techniques I learnt from my great predecessor, Mikhail Moiseevich Patriarch. But once again, my efforts have proved to be in vain. Enough is enough! It is time to reclaim my life once and for all.  I am therefore announcing my withdrawal from the 2005 Inter-Denominational Conkers Championship. After 20 years, I am still the no.1 ranked conkers player in the parish.  I am still available for individual tournaments, but I will take no more part in the episcopal unification process. Instead, I intend to concentrate on my 94-volume history of the great past conkers champions, “My Conkering Heroes”.

A Response from Joe Loudhailer, President of the St Caissa’s Working Men’s Club 

“Hey, Vlady, we did it!!!”

St Caissa’s Spring Party

Our Churchwarden, Mr Azmai, is finalising details of the party games to be played at this year’s annual Spring Party.  These will include much-loved traditional classics such the following:

Stage Door Johnny:  The player tries to reach the stage of the church hall, which is protected by uniformed security guards, kindly provided for the occasion by our  High Street security specialists, “Thugs R Us”.

Blind Man’s Butt:  the player nuts one of the security guards, claiming that he didn’t see him and that their heads “just came together by accident”.

Security Guard’s Knock:  6 other security guards jump on the player and beat the shit out of him. 

Escape from Alcatraz:  The player spends the rest of the week in prison.

(That’s enough party games – Ed)

Parish Postbag

When are you going to lift a f*cking finger to get me out of this stinking slit-eyed hellhole, where they are trying to kill me with radiation poisoning, before sending me back to the f*cking USA, so I can be tortured to death every day…..you f*cking yak-shagging, Jew-controlled……

I remain, Sir, your obedient servant,

Robert James Fischer

World Conkers Champion for Life

c/o The Old Immigrant Detention Centre

Hiroshima, Japan
 

(The Editor reserves the right to cut all letters from paranoid neo-Nazi lunatics)